Artemis Fowl: Nightmare
by skoshiahiru
Summary: Angeline Fowl believes Artemis is lacking of a childhood. She therefore sends him to live with his two cousins for a year as a normal student. It's just to bad his cousins happened to be punks.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone,

This is my first story, and mostly an experiment. Please review!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Artemis Fowl. AT ALL. (I do get credit for Coeus and Persephone, though.)

* * *

"Mother," Artemis Fowl's eye twitched. "Is a family reunion completely necessary? We gain neither information nor gold for hosting this event."

Angeline Fowl smiled broadly. "Why of course, Arty! It's for all of the living Fowl family."

"Are you implying this event would benefit us in sentimental value?" Artemis exhaled in a deep sigh.

Angeline giggled. "I knew you would get it. My Arty is such a smart boy!"

Artemis looked his mother in the eye. "I do not wish you to host such an occasion."

Angeline clasped her hands together. "Arty," Artemis blinked as Angeline continued. "Please?"

Artemis could not stand that look in his mother's eyes. He knew what Angeline had gone through. Perhaps this would be a beneficial rest. "I remove all my rejection to your suggestion."

Angeline giggled once again. "Thank you, Arty! I know we will all just love it! I'll start the preparations right now!" She stood up from her chair and walked out of the room. Artemis put two fingers to his forehead. He really needed to get back to his research. And with that, he left the room.

---

The day of the reunion, Artemis Fowl found himself in his bedroom. He was building a plan it his mind for pilfering money from a certain Switzerland treasury. Artemis Fowl was more than slightly annoyed when he heard his mother calling him.

"Arty! Come down and meet your relatives!"

Artemis walked down the staircase, taking his time. What was the point in rushing? No profit was gained by doing so.

Artemis Fowl II knew he was a genius. He knew he had more capability than any professor or professors living. He knew that he could outsmart any living organism in the universes. But though Artemis was who he was, even he had to gape at this.

The sight that met him was an extremely strange one. Although Artemis knew he was to expect the worse; even he had not anticipate these two figures in the entry way.

One was male and the other was female. The male, tall enough, was wearing a beat-up shirt with beat-up jeans. The shirt was covered by a beat-up jacket. On his feet was a pair of beat-up tennis shoes. In all, the male figure looked very beat-up. He had chains falling out of his pockets and he was wearing black lipstick. To crown it all, the male's hair was pulled up into a Mohawk and dyed green.

The female was almost identical to the male; she wore beat-up clothes as well. Her lips were dark purple and her whole face looked as if someone had dumped a sack of flour on her. Her hair had dark blue and purple highlights and she wore two earrings much too big for her ears.

The male spoke.

"Yo."

A vein popped on Artemis's head. Was he really related to these imbeciles? "If you imply to greet myself, then I would suggest using proper English." Angeline turned to him. Artemis sighed. "Salutations."

Artemis's cousins blinked. Angeline walked somewhat between Artemis and his cousins and spoke. "Persephone, this is Artemis. Artemis, this is Persephone." The female practically ignored Angeline, who did not notice and turned to Artemis's other cousin. "Coeus, this is Artemis. Artemis, this is Coeus." Coeus then asked a question. "Artemis? Isn't that a girl?"

Artemis felt offended.

Angeline smiled without noticing the tension growing from Artemis's eyes. She spoke. "Arty, why don't you show your cousins your room?"

Artemis's eye twitched. "Mother."

Angeline pouted a little. "It's normal!"

Artemis breathed out in a sigh. "Follow me." The two others slowly stepped behind Artemis as he led them to his room.

Starting at that very moment, Artemis Fowl II's life would never be the same.

---

The party of three entered Artemis's room as the species inhabiting the room sat in a chair close by. His cousins stared at the room, analyzing the contents.

Coeus blinked. "Dude."

Persephone blinked as well. "Wow."

Coeus spoke. "Dude, like, what's with your room?" After a couple seconds he stated, "It's, like, full of paper!" Artemis was about to reply, however Coeus continued. "What's that?" He was pointing to a nearby object on Artemis's desk.

Artemis stared in disbelief. "That's a stapler."

"And what's that?"

"That's a pencil sharpener."

"Dude, what's that?"

"That's my computer."

Coeus and Persephone stared at the 190 inch flat screen TV. "That's a computer?"

Artemis breath came out in short phrases. He was beginning to lose patience. "Yes."

Coeus and Persephone continued observing the spacious room, occasionally pointing at an object asking what it was. This process drained every speck of patience from Artemis's body. "Coeus, Persephone, why do we not retire from my room and search refuge in some other place?"

Persephone replied, "Okay, dude, I have, like, no idea what you, like, said."

Artemis had to keep himself from slapping his head in distress. Coeus, on the other hand, was even less bright than Persephone. "Hey, dude, where's your room?" He asked this sitting on the bed.

Artemis blinked impatiently. "You are in it."

Coeus looked around. "This is your room?" Artemis nodded his head as someone would at a toddler. Coeus, ignoring Artemis completely, replied, "Dude, that's totally like, like, like, dude-ish!"

Artemis barely managed to push all the annoyance in his mind down to his stomach. "I offer you my apologies; however 'dude-ish' does not appear in my wide range of words."

Coeus stared at Artemis. "Okay, dude. You seriously need to work on your vocabulary." He pronounced 'vocabulary' as 'voc_aa_b_uu_l_aaaar_y'. "Wow. Dude, I just, like, used a fancy word!" Persephone gaped. "No way! Dude, you're, like, becoming, like, fancy!"

Artemis slowly excused himself from the room.

---

Coeus and Persephone followed Artemis out of the room.

Artemis quickened his pace.

Coeus and Persephone followed.

Artemis began running.

Coeus and Persephone began running behind him. Unfortunately, we all know just how athletic Artemis was. As a result, Coeus and Persephone caught up almost immediately. Artemis stopped and committed an act that he had never done before. He slapped his forehead and groaned loudly.

"AAARRRGGG!!!"

Almost immediately a huge man the size of a bear appeared next to Artemis. This was indeed Butler. "Artemis?"

Coeus expressed shocked expressions in synchronization with Persephone. Artemis addressed the larger man. "Butler." Artemis turned halfway to his cousins. "Coeus, Persephone, this is Butler, my butler and bodyguard. Butler, this is Coeus and Persephone, my cousins."

Persephone widened her eyes. "You have, like, a bodyguard?" This statement was accompanied by Coeus's voice stating, "Wow, dude, wow." Coeus continued. "Dude, that's, like, cool, man! I, like, want a bodyguard!"

Artemis's tone portrayed his annoyance. "The Butler family only serves the Fowl generation."

Persephone stared at Artemis. "But dude, we are, like, your family."

Artemis replied, "You come from my mother's side of the family. You contain 0% of the Fowl blood."

Coeus scoffed. "Dude, believe it or not," Not, though Artemis, "but we are your cousins."

Artemis highly doubted that. "I will tolerate the fact as of the moment."

Coues stared at Artemis. "Dude, why do you, like, talk like that?"

Artemis breathed out. "You imbeciles lack the capability of comprehending my motivation for my verbal communication. I would appreciate immensely if we may possibly adjust the present subject. Unintelligent organisms such as yourselves I conclude are too dense to understand my mental facilitation."

Coeus squinted. "Dude, I have, like, no idea what you, like said, but that—that's powerful, man, That stuff really, like, hit me, like right here." He pounded where his heart was located. "I, like, really felt that. I totally, like, agree with you, man!"

Artemis thought, Yes, your do.

---

When he had heard Artemis's loud groan, Butler's instincts immediately came into play. He simply rushed to his employer's side, only to realize that the two objects before him were no threat to Artemis. Or, at least, his physical side.

His train of thought was interrupted by Artemis's voice addressing Coeus. Butler, watching this exchange, silently stood in the background. Turning to Persephone, he whispered, "I apologize for Artemis's rudeness. He's not a very social person, or rather, a people person."

Persephone, on the other hand, replied, "Hey dude, we're cool. We're cool." She was about to turn to Coeus but then faced Butler again. "Hey, can I, like, call you, like Butler? Dude, that would be really cool. You cool with that?"

Butler sighed. "If you wish, Miss Persephone."

Persephone widened her eyes. "Dude, that's like, awesome, man! Man, you're, like, actually, like, a cool guy!"

Butler smiled. "Thanks." He thought, Was I not cool before?

Just as Butler finished his words, Persephone's phone rang, accompanied by a phrase of depressing organ chords. She picked the mobile device up and answered, "Hey, Shea, I'm, like, busy, 'kay dude? I'm, like, meeting my, like, cousin's, like, butler."

Butler could hear Shea's loud reply of, "Wow, dude, that's, like, cool! Is your cousin, like, rich or something?"

Persephone grinned. "Yeah, he's, like, a billionaire!"

Shea and Persephone exchanged comments while Butler watched. He only hoped that not every teenager in the world (exception being Artemis) were not like them. Why couldn't everyone grow up like Juliet did?

---

Artemis, after finally finishing his conversation with Coeus, went off to see his mother. After all, desperate times deserved desperate measures. He found Angeline in the living room, drinking a glass of water a sitting on the sofa. Artemis gasped out, "Mother, how long is this going to last?"

Angeline giggled. "You're enjoying it, right?"

Artemis panted a bit from his run to find his mother. "Mother, I think Persephone and Coeus should depart."

"Oh, did they already tell you?"

"I have not been informed of any current information by them."

"Well then, Arty, I get to tell you!"

Artemis waited patiently while Angeline paused for dramatic effect.

"You're going to spend a year at Persephone's and Coeus's home!"

Artemis died right then and there. "I am _what_?"

Angeline giggled again. "Isn't that sweet of them? After all, this is good for family bonding. You get to have some real childhood memories!"

Artemis knew he would _really_ earn some childhood memories. "Mother, please excuse me. I think I am feeling faint."

Artemis ran to his bedroom and, as some would say, freaked out. For the first time in his life, Artemis Fowl screamed like a little girl.

From outside the room, Juliet stared. "Uh, Artemis? Are you okay?"

Unfortunately, he was not.

---

Artemis was panicking. Yes, the unbreakable ice cube himself, was panicking. "What is this…_ feeling_?" he asked no one in particular. "It's… _mortifying_."

A normal person in Artemis's circumstances would keep the insane behavior. Fortunately, Artemis was no normal person. He resorted to most intelligent response. He gathered the fastest possible route to Antarctica.

---

Coeus and Persephone, on the other hand, were having the time of their lives. They asked Butler so many questions that Butler felt ready to knock both of them unconscious. It is a good thing that Juliet arrived just then.

"Um…hi?"

Butler spun around to face Juliet at a speed even an Olympic runner would have to admire. "Juliet!" He turned back to Coeus and Persephone. "Coeus, Persephone, this is my sister, Juliet. Juliet, this is Artemis's cousins, Coeus and Persephone." Turning again, he spoke to Juliet, "Juliet, could you entertain Coeus and Persephone for the moment? I'm going to check on Artemis."

Juliet said, "Oh, right. Artemis is in his room. He's kind of freaking out."

Butler left and hurried to his panicked employer.

"So you're, like, Butler's, like, sister?" Coeus asked.

Juliet responded, "Duh!"

Persephone's eyes widend. "Wow! Dude, we, like, found someone, like, normal here!"

One of Juliet's veins popped. "I'm not normal. I'm a Butler." She stared at them with the signature 'for Butlers only' stare.

Coeus backed away a bit. "Hey, we're cool, dude. Do you, like, wrestle, or something?"

Juliet nodded.

Persephone grinned. "Dude, that's, like, awesome! You're, like, like, like, dude-ish!"

"Um, thanks?"

"Hey, do you, like, like awesome stuff?"

"Uh, sure, but, I have to go. See you!"

"Okay, bye." A few seconds later Coeus asked, "What's, like, your favorite, like, color?"

Suddenly Juliet realized why Butler had left.

---

Butler, outside Artemis's door, was confronted with a noise sounding similar to, "AAAUUUGGG!!!", followed by a couple more screams. Butler supposed that Artemis had found out about his little 'vacation'. I guess I should help him out, though Butler. "Artemis? Can I come in?'

The screams were cut short. Artemis had realized that Butler had heard him and must be very embarrassed. "Butler, enter."

Butler entered the room confronted by something slightly like Artemis, but at the same time very different.

Artemis had apparently been pulling his hair; it was a great mop of bed hair. He had lost the Fowl superiority about him, and his face was a bit red from either screaming or embarrassment. "Butler," he addressed Butler. Butler blinked. "Artemis, are you okay?"

Artemis frowned. "No, Butler, I am _not_ 'okay'. My mother is convinced that I lack a 'childhood', and, as a result, is sending me to live with my cousins for a year. I do not believe I am able to stand my current situation."

Butler knew that Artemis would go one way or another. He reassured his employer, "I'll be there with you,"

Artemis had apparently been expecting this. "I had counted the possibility; however I would be pleased to find the exact reason for my mother allowing you to come."

Butler explained, "I just told her that I would watch out for you."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And what is the real reason?"

Butler sighed. "Nothing gets past you, does it? Well, the assassination attacks have been up ever since you did that Rembrandt job."

"Ah, yes, your reasons are exactly as I calculated. Well, I am pleased that I will not suffer alone." Artemis spoke.

Butler opened Artemis's closet. "Aren't you going to pack?"

Artemis sighed and walked to where Butler stood. "Of course, old friend. I am assured my year will not be as unbearable as I think."

Here was another landmark in history where Artemis Fowl II was actually wrong. Dead wrong.

* * *

Any way, thanks for reading! Please review!

skoshiahiru


	2. Chapter 2

Hi Everyone!

Sorry about the long wait!

Thanks to all the reviewers and readers! Please enjoy this next chapter!

* * *

That evening, Angeline stood in the doorway, waving. "Bye, Arty! Mail me!"

Artemis, standing next to Butler, shouted back, "Yes Mother. I will see you in a year."

Artemis, Coeus, and Persephone climbed into the car. Butler, on the other hand, could not even fit through the car door. "That's alright," he sighed, "I'll just take a light jog."

Coeus stared. "A jog, dude? The airport's, like, a million, like, miles away, dude!"

Artemis put his hand of Coeus's shoulder. "It's fine. Butler needs his exercise, anyway."

Coeus tilted his head. "Well, whatever you dudes want, I guess."

Artemis's aunt started the car. He decided the best possible way to make use of his time was sleeping. Sleeping was good for the mind and the body, after all.

Artemis had just managed to retire in a comfortable position when Coeus decided to put on some music.

Metallica music.

The music was bad, but what was even worse is that Coeus and Persephone tried to sing along with it. Unfortunately Coeus and Persephone were not star singers.

Needless to say, it was a long 2 hours for Artemis.

---

Butler, outside jogging beside the car, was feeling relaxed, or rather, as close as he could ever to relaxed. The road was busy, as expected. Butler observed the cars as they passed. _They're slow_, he thought. He suddenly realized he was feeling a bit fatigued.

_I need to work out more_, he thought.

---

2 hours later Artemis was dead.

Mentally dead.

He was sitting straight up, but his face was agony and his eyes were unfocused.

"Dude, what are you, like, like, like, doing?"

Artemis came to his senses and found Coeus's face right in front of him. "I am abhorred by your choice of music."

Persephone nodded her head over dramatically and told Artemis, "Dude, this is, like, modern, 'kay, dude? It's, like, the _new_."

Artemis decided he preferred out-of-date music to the new. "Do you have possession of any classical music?"

Coeus's nose wrinkled. "No."

The edges of Artemis's mouth lowered. "Jazz?"

Coeus nodded his head with Persephone. "Nope!"

"What do you have?!?"

Coeus and Persephone spoke in unison. "Metallica!"

Artemis's head fell into his lap. There goes his nap.

---

Artemis Fowl II was familiar with the airport. He visited often, for flying to his various appointments with those who had valuable information. However, this experience at the airport was slightly different.

"Dude! Like, look at the, like, plane, dude!"

Artemis froze. Why was it always him?

Persephone ran up the airplane ramp and shouted, "Dudes! Let's, like, go!"

Artemis, followed by Butler, slowly followed. Well, at least there were no radios in the airplane.

---

The four participants in this story stood at the passenger-pick-up area outside. Artemis took the few minutes to look around. This was indeed LA. Surrounding him were Coeus and Persephone look-alikes. Artemis stood out like a sore thumb. He could just feel the people staring.

His savior, his aunt and uncle's car, drove up to the four in a way that inferred that the driver had only passed the driver's test because the instructor was tired of him. Poor Artemis walked into the black van with worried eyes. How would he ever survive?

---

1 hour, 57 minutes, and 36 seconds later Artemis found himself in front of a nightmare. Not the type of nightmare in dreams, but the type of nightmare in reality.

The object in front of him was black. It was broken down and dusty. The holes in the sides had spider webs in them. There was no room to step; it was cluttered.

Let us just say it was not a very pretty house.

Artemis took one look at the house and committed a very silly action. He fell to the floor speechless.

Butler, catching Artemis, sighed. He stepped into the house. This was going to take a long time to clean up.

Coeus grinned. "Aren't you, like, blown away by it's, like, awesomeness?"

Artemis said faintly, "Butler…"

Butler shook his head a bit. He turned to Persephone. "Where can Artemis rest?"

Persephone replied, "Like, in the guest room, I guess…" Seeing Butler raising his eyebrow, she continued, "Dude, it's, like, up the stairs. Last door on, like, the left."

Butler, minding where he stepped, carried his employer up the stairs. It's a good thing he had made reservations for himself at a nearby hotel.

---

Artemis found his voice when he woke up. Evidently, he must have fallen asleep on the bed he rested.

Butler, who was of course actually lurking nearby, watched Artemis. Artemis got up and walked over to his suitcase. He opened it.

_Here it comes_, thought Butler.

Artemis screamed, "BUTLER!"

Butler appeared in front of Artemis. The small boy gestured the suitcase. "What is this?"

"Hmm?" Butler stared innocently.

"Where is my laptop? And my papers? And my books?" Artemis asked indignantly.

Butler sighed. "Mrs. Fowl ordered me that you are not to work on your business at all while you are here. She said to focus on building childhood memories and school."

Artemis shouted, "I cannot live life without my trades. I'm a criminal mastermind—" Only then Artemis processed everything Butler had said. "Wait, school? What school?"

Butler sighed again. It was becoming a habit. "You are to attend Rock Hill School as an 8th grader."

Artemis's eyes widened in disbelief. "8th grader?! I am 13, for goodness sake! Just who do they think I am?"

Butler replied, "The cousin of Coeus and Persephone. A little school like Rock Hill has never heard of Artemis Fowl or Fowl Industries."

Artemis placed his fingers on his forehead. "Butler, for once in my life, I cannot comprehend my current scenario."

_Glad to hear it_, thought Butler.

---

Artemis, groaning, found himself looking very out of place. He was wearing his casual clothes, which were a blue silk shirt and a pair of brown khakis. What he was wearing did not fit with the black backpack Artemis was carrying. What was worse, was that he was in the sun, and therefore looked like a vampire. With a backpack. Waiting for a school bus.

Coeus and Persephone found themselves feeling normal, or as normal as they could be. They both had their IPods plugged into their ears, and turned on full blast. From where Artemis was standing, he could hear the morbid funeral music. Artemis was standing 6 feet away.

The bus arrived, and all three entered. Artemis, who had never experienced a school bus, was abhorred, once again by normal life.

The bus was noisy, dirty, and crammed, all three at once. Coeus and Persephone jumped on the school bus to be greeted by a crowd of punks. Artemis stared. There was no way he was getting on that.

"Hey, Artemis," Coeus called. "Dude, are you, like, getting on?"

Artemis silently backed away from the bus door. "Butler," he ordered the larger man who appeared in front of him, "You are taking me to school. In the limousine."

Butler, looking at Artemis, said, "Aren't you going to take the school bus?"

Artemis frowned. "Butler, I cannot compel myself to enter such faculties. The place is polluted."

Butler frowned as well. "Artemis, Angeline ordered me that you are to live as a _normal_ student. Normal students don't ride limousines to school."

Artemis scoffed. "It is not printed in my genetic layout to act _normal_."

Butler thought, _You can say that again_. "Fine. I'll get the car." He knew that in a debate, no one could win against Master Artemis.

Artemis waited there in the sun. The kids on the school bus watched this strange phenomenon. After all, one didn't see a vampire everyday.

Butler pulled up the black limousine as Artemis entered. The latter was just about to shut the open door when—

"Hey, dude!"

The two mosquitoes had come back to haunt him. Persephone walked _straight into the car_ and entered. Coeus followed and grinned sloppily. "Dude, I, like, wanna ride this, like, thing too!"

Artemis widened his eyes a shouted in desperation, "Butler! Go as fast as you can!" He felt his IQ dropping by the second.

Butler smiled. Artemis had better get used to this soon.

---

Artemis was sure that his _dear_ cousins would indeed trash his car. After, all, this was the impression they had made on him. He braced himself to have his ears blasted out and covered his ears. Artemis could just imagine the blasting sound of drums and screaming—

Silence issued.

Artemis blinked in disbelief. When he raised his head his mouth dropped to the carpeted floor.

Coeus and Persephone were studying.

Studying.

Artemis's hands fell to his sides and he gasped out, "What are you doing?"

Persephone answered, "Studying! Duh!"

Artemis asked, "What for?"

Coeus turned a page in the textbook that lay in his lap. "We've, like, got a test today, so I'm, like, studying."

Artemis twitched. He bent over and rested his head on a hand. He thought, _They are simply hallucinations. Nothing more._

If only they were.

---

The limousine pulled up next to the school. The innocent bystanders stared. They stared even harder as Coeus and Persephone exited the vehicle, and even more at the vampire/ghost trailing behind them.

One of the punks walked up to Coeus. "Dude, did you, like, become rich, man?"

Coeus replied, "No, dude, I, like, got a, like, cousin, like, instead!"

The other punk looked on. "What's that, like, vampire, like, following you around for?"

Persephone pointed at the subject of their conversation. "That's, like, our cousin, dude!"

Another person walked up to them. "Wow, you, like, have a, like, vampire for a cousin?"

Persephone put on a serious face. "Like, yeah."

The reply came, "Wow. That's, like, cool, man! That's, like, totally wicked!"

This is how Artemis came to find what a show-and-tell item felt like. "I will depart. May you tell me where the head of this establishment is located at present?"

Everyone present blinked, the universal language for, Huh?

Artemis sighed. He had a feeling that this would happen sometime in the future.

---

Artemis stumbled around the school for a while until he met a teacher, or some sort of adult. He stated, "Excuse me,"

The adult choked. "What did you say?"

Artemis felt a bit awkward. "I said, 'Excuse me'."

The adult, a teacher, grabbed Artemis's shoulders. "Say that again."

Artemis, not used to being ordered around, narrowed his eyes. "My dear sir, I assumed that you held the position as teacher, and, naturally, I intended to ask directions. Unfortunately you felt the need to commit this strange act and now I find myself in this discomforting scenario. Will you be so kind as to let go?"

The teacher's face fell and let go. He looked a bit disappointed. "Oh, it's another strange one. For once I thought we had someone respectful. Well, I can't understand half of what teenagers say these days…" He continued muttering and walked down the hall.

Artemis mumbled, "He did not even answer my question." _I must find more useful beings in the future_, he thought.

---

Artemis stumbled around the school, trying to find someone who would answer his questions and not gasp in horror. After asking the math, science, fine arts, language, and writing teacher, he gave up. This was going to nowhere.

He was walking down the hallway, exploring the different layouts of the school. The way was clear, and no one seemed present. He was about to call for Butler when a huge muscular man appeared in front of him. "Excuse me, sir?" he asked.

The muscular man turned and stared at Artemis hard. "What?"

Artemis's eye twitched. He was not used to being talked to in such an impolite tone. "Where might I find the principal?"

The man, apparently the gym teacher, replied, "Down the hall, 3rd door on the right. Has 'Principal's Office' on it."

Artemis decided right there that out of all the teacher, the gym teacher was the most sensible. How unlike Artemis.

Artemis turned and headed down the hall.

After he left, the man muttered, "So that's the rumored Coeus and Persephone's cousin. Huh, I need to whip him into shape. He's so small! And pale! I should contact Butler. He could give me some tips…"

* * *

Thanks for reading! Please review!

skoshiahiru


	3. Chapter 3

Next chapter. Sorry for the wait!

skoshiahiru

* * *

Artemis knocked on the door labeled "Principal's Office" and waited. A voice soon called, "Come in,", so Artemis entered. He addressed the small man at the desk in the middle of the room. "Sir, I was informed that I am to contact you to find my current class number."

The small man, showing no surprised emotion, spoke, "Well, you're that Artemis Fowl kid, right?"

"You are correct, sir." Artemis's monotone voice said.

Principal Tahip, as the nameplate on the desk implied, frowned. "Don't call me 'sir'. It's giving me the chills, okay, kid? When was the last time I was called 'sir'? Never, kid! It's always 'Dude' or 'Boss'. Why don't you call me 'boss'?"

Artemis's eye twitched. "Ah, of course, sir."

Tahip frowned. "Never mind. It isn't working, is it?"

Artemis deadpanned, "I offer you my apologies. Sir, may I see my class?"

Tahip picked up a paper labeled, "Artemis Fowl". Angeline Fowl had submitted Artemis's resume, but Butler had replaced it with a fake one. After, one did not live a normal life by putting, "highest tested IQ is Europe" on their resume. "Well, you're with class A-7. Same ones as your cousins. Thought you might like that."

The corners of Artemis's mouth moved a notch down. He was beginning to dislike this Tahip fellow. "…Thank you sir. I will depart."

Tahip ignored Artemis as he left the room. Outside, Artemis fell to the floor. This was something he was definitely not used to.

Artemis walked to his class room. He was late, as a result of his excursion to find the principal. Artemis knocked on the door. The teacher, informed of Artemis's coming, opened the door and let Artemis in. "We have a new student, too."

Artemis entered and felt everyone staring at this strange vampire that just had to come to this classroom.

"Salutations."

The teacher stiffened. "Please introduce yourself."

Artemis inquired, "What should I include?"

The teacher replied, "Oh, just name, something you like, things you dislike, that sort of thing."

Artemis cleared his throat. "My given name is Artemis and my family name is Fowl. I do not appreciate a variety of things and what I do appreciate is of no importance to you. I have no talents that are worth telling you all. I do not have anything else to say, however," Artemis gave an ice-cold glare. "do not vex me. Ever. It will not turn out well for you."

One could hear a pen drop.

"W-well, Artemis," the teacher stuttered, "Why don't you sit back here?" He pointed at a chair near the back.

Artemis walked over to the chair, only to see the students around him edging back in their seats away from this strange ghost-kid. The teacher began his lengthy explanation a chemical formula. 10 seconds into his talk Artemis came to the conclusion that this level of learning was elementary and turned to doodling. Or, rather, Artemis Fowl doodling, which consisted of designs for an improved formula.

The professor glanced up from the science text book and noticed Artemis scribbling away. He dutifully walked down the aisle, stopping next to Artemis's seat. His voice was unforgiving. "Artemis Fowl, are you bored with my teaching?"

Artemis answered a straightforward, "Yes."

The teacher had never had this answer. It was somehow foreign to his ears. "Even if you are, why are you doodling?"

Artemis frowned. "I was merely transferring my ideas onto paper."

The professor frowned back at the boy. "Shall we show the class your 'ideas'?"

Artemis remained emotionless. "Your choice,"

The professor picked up Artemis's paper. He stared at the contents. "What is this?"

Artemis smirked a bit. "Apparently you classify these as 'doodles'."

The professor looked at the paper and blinked. "Impressive, I must say."

Artemis smiled. "It is the complete and improved formula."

The professor blinked. "We need to talk after school."

Artemis nodded.

The rest of the classes followed the same pattern except the teachers were not as quite understanding. Here again Artemis gathered a new experience. Eating lunch with more than 3 people. Artemis had not brought a lunch pack for himself, and, not trusting the school's cafeteria, walked outside and called for Butler. "Butler, I have been convinced through observation that the culinary department is not satisfactory to my stomach."

Butler, who, of course, appeared out of nowhere, raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"

Artemis sighed. "The food is contaminated."

Butler did not lower his eyebrow. "What do you want me to do?" After a few moments Butler lowered the formerly addressed facial feature. "Oh, let me guess. You want me to go pick something up for you?"

Artemis stated, "Madeo restaurant, that Italian place. I will have their **Carpaccio, the filet mignon sliced very thin, served with artichokes, Parmigiano cheese and lemon juice. Please request the artichokes **_**completely**_** steamed. I do not appreciate inadequate meals. Also request a bottle of Irish Spring water. Make it quick. I desire my meal hot, if possible." Artemis pulled out a wad of $20 bills and handed them to Butler. "Pay extra to make it faster."**

**Butler, used to obscure orders like these, took the money and quickly left. Lunch period was only an hour, after all.**

Sanders Williamson was sitting outside near the cafeteria. As it was, he did not enjoy crowded places. He sat outside for lunch every school day. The routine offered nothing surprising until today. He was sitting outside when someone came out and, even though he knew it was wrong, eavesdropped on the person that came out, who happened to be that weird new student.

"…have been convinced that through observation that the culinary department is not satisfactory to my stomach." The new student, Artemis, said.

Suddenly a bear-man appeared out of nowhere. Sanders jumped a little. He heard the big guy say, "Meaning?"

Artemis did not even seem fazed. He sighed. "The food is contaminated."

The giant said, "What do you want me to do?" and a couple seconds later continued. "Oh, let me guess. You want me to go pick something up for you?"

Now, based on the conversation Sanders guessed that Artemis was one of those really picky guys with no money. The kid was probably going to ask for a hamburger or something. However, Artemis instead deadpanned, "Madeo restaurant, that Italian place. I will have their **Carpaccio, the Filet mignon sliced very thin, served with artichokes, Parmigiano cheese and lemon juice. Please request the artichokes **_**completely**_** steamed. I do not appreciate inadequate meals. Also request a bottle of Irish Spring water. Make it quick. I desire my meal hot, if possible." The ruffling of paper bills followed. "Pay extra to make it faster."**

_**Now that's something you don't hear every day**_**, thought Sanders.**

**The giant man left and Artemis sat down in the shade. Sanders observed the kid. He really was pale. Artemis almost looked artificial. He was really skinny and flimsy-looking. What a weird guy!**

_**Ah, well**_**, thought Sanders, **_**it's not nice to call someone 'weird', I guess. I'm going to go talk to him.**_** Sanders stood up and walked over to the kid. "Hi," he said. Artemis jumped and immediately took a defensive pose, as if Sanders was going to try to assassinate him. Sanders lifted his hands up. "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you or something,"**

**Artemis relaxed a bit. "What is your reasoning for approaching me in broad daylight?"**

**Sanders blinked. "Uh, well, I thought it might be good to say hi, you know?"**

**Artemis blinked right back at him. "Negative. If you have business with me, please state it."**

**Sanders was an easygoing guy. If someone glared at him, he smiled at them. "I just wondered if you were doing well, my friend?" He asked with the tone implying that he was asking a question.**

**Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Friend, you say? I have no such memory of ever accepting the position as a 'friend.'"**

**Sanders narrowed an eye. "What?" But then his face went back to its former cheerful expression. "Hey, you're pretty funny! Well, then, want to be friends?"**

**Artemis was about to refused when he remembered his father's voice saying, "Information is power," Perhaps he could used this strange adolescent. "I suppose you could become part of my networking system."**

**Sanders smiled. "Hey, that's cool." Then he continued, "Um, can I ask you a question?"**

**Artemis felt something worrisome come over him. "…what is it?"**

**Sanders paused. "Are you a vampire?"**

**Artemis knew that his looks would come to haunt him. "For your information, my DNA is completely human and my genes are not printed out for such pale skin as mine."**

**Sanders replied, "Oh. How did your skin get so pale?" The he quickly added, "No offense, by the way."**

**Artemis grimaced. "I take none. My skin tone has been developed with my habit of remaining in front of my computer for no small amount of time. The computer's glow has, as some might say, bleached my skin."**

**Sanders's eyes widened. "Wow." Artemis prepared himself for an insult. "That's pretty cool! I don't really get it but that's totally awesome! Man, it's been so boring around here 'till you showed up!"**

**Artemis's eye twitched. Was he that interesting?**

**At that moment Butler arrived with the promised meal. He first handed the meal to Artemis and then took out the stack of $20s. "It didn't cost that much."**

**Artemis said, "No matter." He then pulled out his already-bursting wallet and slid the excess money in. Sanders gaped a bit; after all, what sort of kid carried $500 dollars in his wallet for pocket change? Sanders then realized the time. "Aw man, we've gotta' eat!" He then started shoving random amounts of food into his mouth. Artemis's eye twitched again. He disliked disorganized eaters. Then he looked down at his own food and took a bite. It was not good, nor bad. Acceptable.**

Butler left, or appeared to leave and jumped onto the school roof. He was mapping out optional escape routes and where assassins may lurk when his phone rang. He answer, "Butler speaking,"

A man on the other line spoke. "Hey, Butler! It's me, Spick Dairl!"

Butler twitched. "…who?"

The other man, Spick whispered, "You know, I used to be in the bodyguard business, too? And then I quit?"

Butler smiled. "Ah, I remember! Spick, the one who put shame on the bodyguard's name! It was all in the newspaper. Yeah, I remember you!"

Spick said, "Uh, anyway, can I get some advice?"

Butler answered the request. "Sure. What do you need?"

Spick exclaimed, "Well, you know I'm a gym teacher now, right? Um, there's this really, really, really short and pale kid who looks really wimpy and I'm supposed to whip him into shape. Any ideas?"

Butler blinked. "Well," he stated, "do you want to use the sink or swim method?"

Spick twitched. "Ah, well, I'm not supposed to danger the kiddies in any way,"

Butler rolled his eyes. "The kids won't learn anything being pampered." And then he added, "It's no wonder you messed up being a bodyguard."

Spick paused for a second. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks, friend."

Butler smiled. "No problem."

Butler did not know how much danger he had put on his principal.

* * *

Please review!

skoshiahiru


	4. Chapter 4

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the long wait. Gosh, I feel like Foaly because I went to my reviews to feel better. For everyone's information, I DO NOT HAVE A BETA READER. And also, these are all FIRST DRAFTS (I was too lazy to go back and edit). And this is my first try at fanfiction. So guys, cut me some slack? Please?

skoshiahiru

* * *

After lunch followed math class, which everyone fell asleep in, and then gym. If you had ever looked up Artemis's list of 'dislikes', then you would have seen 'exercise' ranked quite high. It fact, it is right below, 'evil deranged genius pixies'. Yes, Artemis Fowl does not enjoy exercise of any kind, including gym classes.

The gym teacher spoke. "Alright, line up, kids." Everyone did as told. "I'm your teacher, Spick Dairl."

Artemis sighed. This was going to be a long hour.

5 minutes into the session Spick noticed something about Artemis. He simply wasn't getting it. All the kid did was stand in the exact same spot, acting like he was sleeping on his feet. The strange this was, Artemis did not get hit. At all. Every single projectile launched at him miraculously bended in some strange way that should not have been possible. What was this kid? Some super-human? Well, he _looked_ like some alien next to all the other kids. No, take that back, he looked like some alien by himself.

He really needed Butler on this case.

Butler, watching through roof windows knew that he could not allow for his principal to get hurt. Getting hurt consisted of being maimed, injured, or killed. At the moment this particular exercised fell into the category of 'maiming'. Picking up a pile of pebbles, he deflected every single object that came within 3 feet of Artemis. Artemis glanced upwards and smiled a bit. Artemis had to say, this sort of exercising was quite fun.

Butler was about to deflect another object thrown in the direction of his employer when he remembered something. Something Angeline had said.

_I want Artemis to live a normal life, okay, Butler? So don't do anything that would make him stand out._

Butler decided that perhaps he was in the wrong, protecting Artemis in this way. He decided that his employer would not be exactly _hurt_, however maybe just a few scratches and bruises. After all, Artemis really was too wimpy.

Artemis felt self-confident that Butler would block every single item thrown. After all, Butler would not allow himself to let his employer be harmed.

And then it happened.

A green projectile flew his way and hit him straight in the face. The ironic part of this event was that the ball (for it was a ball, and a plastic kiddy ball at that) had the picture of an evil looking fairy. This particular fairy reminded Artemis of a certain 'evil deranged genius pixie'.

Artemis fell to the floor, and fainted. Everyone else ignored him, as if this happened every day.

On top of the roof, Butler flinched.

When Artemis regained his conscience, he found himself lying in his bed. The last moments he could recall were those terrible 4 seconds when the evil looking pixie ball was hurled at his face. Suddenly, he remembered something strange about the event.

"BUTLER!"

Butler rushed to his employer's side. This would not be pretty.

Artemis sat up all of a sudden and screamed, "What do you remember happening at 14 hours 37 minutes and 53 seconds this afternoon?"

Butler spoke without fear. "I was watching your gym class from the roof. You got hit ball a ball." Then softer, "And fainted."

Artemis colored a bit. "Can one blame me?"

Butler decided that being hit with a plastic ball was quite harmless however he replied, "Ah, for _you_, master Artemis, no one can."

Artemis detected the hesitancy. "You are hesitant,"

Butler replied sheepishly, "Well," he stated, "You're kind of…different."

Artemis twitched, but did not retort. He left the room. After he left, Butler smirked.

Coeus and Persephone busted the door down and yelled, "DUUUUUUDE! ARE YOU, LIKE, HOME, DUDES?" Artemis, who had taken refuge on the couch, flinched. Why was it always him?

Coeus noticed the flinching Artemis and walked over to him. He placed his head right next to Artemis's ear and screamed, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! ARE YOU, LIKE, DEAD?"

Artemis thought to himself, _Ignore the imbecile and it will leave._

Coeus frowned, thinking to himself, _Aw, man. Arty's, like, dead! That's, like, not cool, dude!_ He paused, and then grinned, remembering something. He took an object out of his pocket and held up two devices attached to it. One he placed in Artemis's right ear and the other on his left.

Artemis, at this point, had guessed that Coeus had left to see to the funeral plans. He waited patiently and relaxed a bit. Things were finally going his way. Suddenly Artemis's ears felt the sensation of some weirdo screaming accompanied by a two-year-old's choice of guitar chords. Followed was a pattern of a monkey banging on the drums. Worst, this was all on the full blast of Coeus's IPod.

Something one should know about Coeus's IPod was that he had bought a certain upgrade so that the volume could become 20 times as loud as a normal IPod on full blast.

Poor, poor Artemis.

Artemis jolted upwards and Coeus rejoiced, "Hey! I guess metallica really _does_ wake the dead, dude! I'm, like, awesome, man!" Coeus ran off to tell Persephone.

For the first time in his life, Artemis Fowl met his match.

The following days followed in the same pattern. Artemis fainted less, however he still came to know the gym floor very well. He also met a new friend: the bottom of the pool. How did he meet it? Well, Spick Dairl had just made up his mind to try the 'sink or swim' method.

"Alright, kiddies!" Spick smiled. Evilly. "We have the _privilege_—" Artemis felt something very wrong in that statement, "—to use the school's pool this season. So, putting it to full use, we are going to do a bit of 'sink or swim'!"

Artemis's backbone started shivering right then.

Spick advanced towards the nearest student, who unfortunately was Artemis. "This is how it works." He literally picked up Artemis by the collar of his shirt and hurled him into the middle of the deep end. "Sink or swim!" he called out.

Artemis had read every book about the formula for correct swimming, every article on the most reliable style of swimming and a couple other various essays. The only problem was that these formulas applied to normal humans, not wimpy pale kids who sit at a computer 8 hours a day. As a result our hero's physical state was not fit to apply any of the research. Therefore, Artemis chose Spick's first option.

When he was three-quarters drowned Spick finally decided that the wimpy kid might need some help. He dove into the pool (using the ever-so-perfect diving formation) and grabbed the flailing Artemis by the ear and pulled him out of the pool. He whispered into Artemis's wet ear, "Wimpy, you are going to learn to swim _really_ fast."

Outside Butler whistled. This gym teacher really knew his stuff.

Artemis endured these days with admiral patience. He tolerated the fanatic teachers, the torturing gym lessons, and even Coeus and Persephone. The strange place classifying as 'school' Artemis found more bearable every day. Sanders help greatly and explained all the strange events and objects. This was not too bad, this school place.

Actually a few certain people had been talking about Artemis. Not that oh-what-a-nice-kid-I-want-to-be-friends-with-him sort of talk but as in hey-let's-use-that-wimp-for-a-punching-bag sort of talk. These certain individuals approached Artemis. The burly one of the right yelled, "Hey, you!"

Artemis turned o face three figures. "You wish to have conversation with me?"

The middle punk grunted. "I don't like you."

Artemis smiled. "What a coincidence, I don't like you either."

The middle punk frowned. "Uh…um…I…I'm gonna beat you up!"

Artemis twitched. "Of course. Now, if you excuse me, I will proceed to my classroom."

Three veins popped. "You—you…uh…"

Artemis grinned. "Imbecile?"

The right kid grinned back. "Yeah! Inbasiele!"

Artemis frowned. "May I pass now?"

The reply came as a clenched fist. Artemis gulped. Just as the punch was about to connect with Artemis's jaw and Butler was about to dash in, a familiar blond-haired boy jumped in front of Artemis with his fists raised. "Hey, Artemis!" Sanders smiled.

Artemis blinked. "Sanders,"

Sanders grinned and dropped to his knees, dodging the punch that had come his way. His leg shot upwards, hitting the left punk (who had been fighting) and knocking him out. "That," Sanders announced, "was for being mean to my friend."

The other punks picked up the fallen and ran. Artemis blinked again. No one had ever stood up for him like that. It was probably because he had never had friends before. Perhaps Sanders was useful after all.

Just then Sanders punched Artemis in the face. "And that was for being stupid."

Artemis's faculties slowed. Someone had just called him-dare he think it?—stupid. Artemis ran a dictionary analysis on the word 'stupid'. Stupid; [**stoo**-pid, **styoo****‐**]–_**adjective:**_1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull. 2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: _a stupid question. _**3.** tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: _a stupid party. _**4.** annoying or irritating; troublesome: _Turn off that stupid radio. _**5.** In a state of stupor; stupefied: _stupid from fatigue._ _**–noun;**_ **7.** _Informal_: a stupid person.

A bead of sweat dropped down Artemis's forehead. He just hoped that he did not qualify as any of the above. Sanders tilted his head at him. "Are you okay? Should I take you to the infirmary?"

Artemis, walking like a zombie, strode off down the hallway, muttering, "Lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind? Dull? _Stupid_?"

Sanders blinked. He thought, _Did I hit him harder than I meant to?_

Artemis later thought about the former scene after riding back to Coeus and Persephone's home. By then he had convinced himself that he was not stupid; he had just perhaps misjudged the situation. Then a thought occurred to him. How had Sanders been that advanced with his physical self-protection skills? Artemis pondered this for a moment and came to the decision to ask Sanders himself. He approached the boy. "Sanders,"

Sanders turned and faced Artemis. "Oh, hey!"

Artemis greeted him as well. In a way. "Greetings."

Sanders grinned. "No need to be formal!" He slapped Artemis on the back. Artemis staggered forward. Sanders apologized, "Uh, sorry."

Artemis straitened his tie. "I do not hold any ill feelings towards you. Rather, I would be pleased to ask you a question."

Sanders took a moment to process what the other boy had said. He then replied, "Ask away,"

Artemis breathed out. It would be better to get this over with quickly. "What is your situation with any physical contacted arts?"

Sanders smiled. "I do a little bit of sports."

Artemis demanded, "Please elaborate."

Sanders looked away and shouted louder than he needed to, "Oh, look at the time! I have to get to class. See you!"

Artemis's eye twitched. He decided that Sanders was more than he thought. He then proceeded down the hallway. It was time for the next class.

School was an interesting experience. Artemis tolerated these days quite admirably. They went by quick enough. One weekend, Coeus and Persephone decided to take Artemis to the beach.

The outcome? Well, let's just say, it is not a very good idea to take a vampire to the beach.

Artemis, Coeus, Persephone, and Butler proceeded to a nearby beach (Butler was dragging Artemis.) When they arrived Coeus and Persephone immediately took off, rampaging in the sand.

Butler, who had by this time set Artemis down, found to his horror, that the occupants wore nothing more than bikinis or swim trunks. This was completely normal to an average person, but to the Fowls this was a bit more than necessary.

Butler flinched and covered his employer's eyes. "Don't look," he said, "It's not pretty."

Artemis replied mournfully, "I know, Butler," he flinched as well. "I know."

Artemis and Butler walked away from the previous location and proceeded to the nearby shops. More than a few bystanders stared hard at the two figures. However, this was LA, and they had seen stranger things. They did stand out quite a bit, however. Artemis was wearing a Giorgio Armani suit, and Butler was wearing nothing less fancy. People whispered to each other, talking about how maybe the pair were movie stars and the vampire-giant combo had come to take the day off.

Artemis ignored the staring company and resorted to walking calmly and slowly down the street. People backed away from the pair, resulting in a wide walkway for the later party. Suddenly a teenage girl approached Artemis. "Um…are you, like, a movie star?"

Artemis replied testily, "No."

The girl studied Artemis and squinted, trying to detect a lie. Then she pointed to Butler. "Is he?"

Artemis twitched, not for the first time this day. "No."

The girl asked, "Then who are you?"

Artemis straightened his tie. "You have no business—"

"Shea!"

Persephone and Coeus had evidently left their former location to find Artemis. Persephone had called out in surprise to Shea. "What are you doing here?"

Shea grinned. "I'm, like, chilling out!"

Persephone grinned. Coeus grinned. Artemis snorted. "Do you have anything to say to me?"

Shea narrowed her eyes. "Uh, dude, you're, like, _weird_."

Artemis frowned. "Hm. I should deposit you in highly-concentrated hydrofluoric acid for your impudence."

Shea blinked. "You just proved my point, dude."

Butler, at the moment, was observing the surroundings for any chances of assassination attacks, kidnapping attempts and other elimination schemes. There were a few couples and a group of teenagers in the shops along the side. One lady was jogging with her dog and as a man walked on the road, holding a cell phone to his ear. The place was completely in the open with no proper guarding spots. What a terrible place for having conversation!

Suddenly, a dark shape on the roof budged. In a second Butler had drawn his Sig Saucer and was pointing at the figure. Coeus and Persephone's eyes bulged. "Dude, is that, like, a gun?"

The figure suddenly jumped off the roof as Butler shot. A pigeon lay at his feet.

Coeus yelled, "Dude, you just can't, like, go shooting birds here. We have, like, parks for that!"

Butler apologized to him thoroughly. But he was sure that he had felt a spike of killer intent…

The trained assassin panted hard. It was a good thing that a bird had been on the roof. Otherwise he could have been the cooked meat. And what was with the one who he was supposed to kidnap? It was this puny little pale kid who stood around in an Armani Giorgio suit! Did this brat really steal that Rembrandt painting? He didn't seem like one with much gut. He'd probably spill information like a waterfall.

Artemis grimaced.

Somehow Coeus, Persephone, and Shea have gotten the idea into their miniscule brains that Artemis needed to be taken to an arcade. Of all the places in the world, it had to be an arcade.

It was a quite full, but there were a few vacant spots. The place was also very loud, and so one had to shout to be heard.

Coeus grinned. "Dude!" he yelled. "Let's, like, try this!" He dragged Artemis to a first person shooter game.

Artemis's nose shriveled. "I reject!" he replied promptly.

Coeus frowned. "Dude, just try it. Please. For me." He feigned puppy eyes.

Artemis stuttered (for the first time in his life). "But it's contaminated! It's unhygienic!"

Butler promptly brought out a spray bottle of disinfectant and sprayed the game controller. Artemis's eye twitched. "Butler, you were not supposed to do that."

Coeus grabbed Artemis's hand and brought it over to the game controller. He shouted, "Okay, then, start!" He then pressed the button for starting the game.

Artemis, startled, did nothing. At all. Coeus cried out in horror for a bit and then Artemis shouted one order. "Butler! Take over!"

Butler took the controller and killed all 15 enemies in 4.2 seconds flat. "You were saying?"

Coeus gaped. "Wow! You're, like, awesome, man!"

Butler grinned. "This is pretty fun."

* * *

Thanks for bearing through my terrible writing skillz!

By the way, I DO NOT talk like Artemis, Coeus, OR Persephone.

skoshiahiru


End file.
